my journey - my faith

I have gone through a tremendous growing experience in the past year. I have so many emotions flowing through my mind and heart as I write this, I feel like a can not fully express myself, but I will try my best. I was in a completely new environment surrounded by people who didn't believe in God, it was a wake up call for me, and I doubted my own beliefs, I questioned if they were my own or just what I have been told. I have gone though many internal struggles questioning, if God was real, how could he let so many horrible things happen.  

I was frustrated, I hated to see Christians judging others harshly, I hated to see lies and harsh words. I let those situations doubt my loyalty to religion. I wanted so badly to find the 'perfect religion' but in the end I was looking from the completely wrong perspective. Christ is our role model, yet we all make mistakes, so why was I focusing on peoples mistakes rather than focusing on what's really important, actively trying to support one another towards becoming Christ like. 

I can now say for myself I have a firm belief that there is a God. There have been countless times I have had answers to my prayers, far too many to attribute to coincidence. He has been helping hand when I felt I couldn't do it on my own, guidance when I felt lost of confused, and a sense of peace when I felt uneasy. 

I pray for those who don't believe there is a God, not because I believe they will be condemned if they don't believe in God, but, I want them to have the support and sense of peace I feel when I am close to God. I can't imagine the pain I would feel if I lost a loved one believing I would never see them again, believing this life on earth was it. I pray for those who are hurting, whether it's physical or emotional. I pray for opportunities to serve others. I pray for our leaders to be guided for the welfare of the people rather than selfishness or pride. I pray that those who have gone through similar experiences as I have who have judged their beliefs hardly will have their hearts softened just as I have. 

My point in writing this is to remind myself of my spiritual journey I have gone through in the past year. To remind myself and others that we have no place to judge one another, whether your Christian or Atheist  Heterosexual or Homosexual, we are all children of God and have not the slightest clue what each person has experienced and will experience. Thank goodness we are in the hands of God, who has endless love for every single one of us. It's so comforting to know I always have someone to turn to for support no matter the circumstance. 

Sometimes a good cry, a talk with my wonderful mother, and a little problem solving, changes my whole perspective. Even hard times have a good outcome, personal growth. 

who knows.

- I hate confrontation. I hate confrontation. I hate confrontation. I hate confrontation. I hate confrontation.
-  I don't mind having alone time.
- My dog is the coolest.
- I've been paranoid that the guy who was scoping out our neighborhood will break in, while I'm alone, I probably check the locks on the door at least 3 times.
-  I'm am so glad I'm at a completely new chapter of my life.
- I miss Kaya every single day, but time has been flying by.
- There are a lot of great people, everywhere.
- I have more hope.
- There are so many people I want to go visit.. (aka. my father (Arizona), Linnea (Sweden), Kate (North Carolina), Kaya (Africa), and the list goes on and on...)
- I want to go on a cruise for Christmas.
- I force myself to do things I don't want to do to benefit me in the future.
- I have been anxiously awaiting a email for weeks now.
- Candles are the most relaxing thing to fall asleep to.
- My cat is 13 years old and hates me.
- When my bedroom is messy, I sleep terribly.
- Everyday I remind myself I want to be someone who effects others in a positive way. Yet, it is so easy to get caught up in my personal worries or selfishness that I realize I am being the opposite of what I want to be.
- The human body and brain functions blow my mind. How did you do it, God?
- I want to take a art class, I love drawing and painting, even though most days I feel like don't even have a ounce of creativity in me.
- Every time I meet/ see someone I wonder what their background is.
- I dream of traveling the world.
- I think beards look really good on some people and terrible on others.
- I admire my sister for serving so many people in her lifetime.
- I wish everyone's priority in life was enjoyment, developing talents, and forming good relationships/ helping others, rather than focusing on money and just getting by.
- It makes me so happy when I talk to people who are truly genuine. I would gladly go with out fake human interactions, they are too, fake.
- Sometimes when people try to be unique or different, they just end up being unoriginal and cookie cutter sort. We are all by nature unique and completely different, there is no need to try to change ourselves to be different.
- Some days I feel so distant from everything. I don't understand anyone and no one understands me.
- 'Life Is Beautiful' is one of my very favorite films, makes me cry every time, but is so touching. I highly recommend it.
- Wrapping a scarf around my neck, putting boots on my feet, walking outside and feeling the crisp air on my face and the crunching leaves under my feet.. makes me feel happiness.
- I want to carve pumpkins and make caramel apples.
- I am amazed how kind and charitable my neighbors are.... I can't even believe it.
- I think that's all for now.

fragile.

Life is a fragile thing. In the blink of an eye someone can be gone, we then re- run all our memories with that person, bad and good, we wish we could change things, see them one last time and apologize for the mistakes we made, make amends. We are human. It is our nature, we procrastinate, we think we are invincible or somehow different but really in our subconscious mind we know we are just like the rest, we are fragile, and we take everything for granted. 

I was in a car accident last night. Luckily no one was seriously injured. In fact my car was the only car that took the beating. It went a little bit like this, I was driving along University Ave. in the rain, all of the sudden the car in front of me slammed on their brakes (because the car in front of them hadn't been paying attention and was trying to stop for the red light), immediately I did the same, my car slid at least 4 to 5 feet and hit the car in front of me.

I hurt. My neck and head have been hurting since last night. But, I have nothing to complain about. This accident made me realize how many times my life could have been taken away in the blink of an eye. The front of my car was crunched with not very much impact. I can't imagine what could of happened if I got in a crash going 70 mph on the freeway, it would be fatal. 

Give a loved one a hug, apologize, be kind to everyone you encounter. If you can do it today, don't save it for tomorrow, because as sad as it is, there may be no tomorrow. 

Therapeutic drive through the mountains.

We took a Sunday drive and I thought it would be fun to make a little video. Please excuse the poor video quality and my shaky hand. The scenery was unreal. 

sunny sunday

Today has been perfect. Last night I fell asleep feeling sick and woke up feeling better than ever. I spent my afternoon reading, listening to music, spending time with family and making some delicious fish tacos with mango salsa. Maybe I should clean my disaster of a room now.. The only thing missing today is Kaya, she will be home soon enough. I should have more days like these.